Things I should have patented when I had the chance
I've invented many things. Some of them have been stolen by jealous minds. Others have yet to come to market. Here are just a few of my inventions.
The Mag-lev Train My dad is an engineer. One of those coldly logical guys who can kill just about anything with a couple of questions. Well, nice work Dad, you could have believed in me and we could all be living in Boca by now. But instead, you're still in Nova Scotia shoveling snow and I am still working for the industrial military complex while some dude in Japan enjoys the fruits of my brain labours. As a bright young (some might even say gifted), fifth grader I designed a magnetic levitation train. And while they were roughly drawn in pencil and crayon, my initial blueprints showed all of the design elements that are now the hallmarks of modern mag-lev trains. Filled with the pride of creation, I showed my designs to my father who quickly pointed out that my control systems were crude at best (for God's sake Dad, I was only 10!), and that the amount of energy needed to both lift and move the train was too great and that it would be cost prohibitive to run. Crushed, I entered one of the darkest periods of my life. I flushed my drawings and notes down the drain, where they obviously floated to Japan. There they were recognized for what they truly were: A revolution in mass transportation. The rest is stolen history.
De-alcoholized Whiskey How many times have been sitting around enjoying a piece of apple pie and thought to yourself, "Man, I could go for a glass or three of whiskey right now." But you can't because you're at your mother-in-law’s and you don't want to get all messed up and tell her what you think of her apple pie. The answer? It's simple. De-alcoholized whiskey. Now, on hot summer days after mowing the lawn you can grab a glass of whiskey before you go to your kid's soccer game without being afraid of causing another incident. After one too many nights spent in the company of the Dartmouth NS police department, I invented de-alcoholized whiskey. Sadly, those bastards at an unnamed whiskey distillery (while the restraining order is in effect I'm not allowed to name them) stole my idea and killed the research. This idea is too good to stay buried in Bim Jeam's basement forever. It will rise again. Rise again.
The Squirrel Jerker A r umor has come to me that Williams and Sonoma is exploring the viability of a system for making squirrel jerky at home. While they may not be using exactly the same system that I first designed, it is obvious that their system to snare, retrieve, gut, skin and jerk a squirrel is derived from my concept. Due to some problems with my legal status (now resolved) I was unable to move this patent forward. I fear that with the death of the Atkins diet trend there may never be another time when nature's back yard bounty will be in the same demand as it was in early '02. Demand, however, remains strong in Tennessee, but it's a small market.
When you are singing a song you replace the name of the town in the song with the name of the town you are in. I totally thought of that first.
Zombie repellent Zombies are an ever-present threat to our way of life. But, for more than twenty years I have been completely free of zombie attacks. I attribute this to the daily application of my zombie repellent. Many times I’ve thought that I should bottle and sell it. Or even sell the formula to some pharmaceutical company. Then I thought, this is too important to keep to myself or make money off of. So I’ve decided to publish my formula and instructions for proper use. This is my gift to the world. I hope that it serves you well and that you will have a zombie free life. Ingredients 8 oz bourbon (brand of your choice) Directions
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